can't sleep....

Feeling unappreciated. As we're going to bed tonight, Corey checks and sees that the dogs have no water. He then begins to scold me. Of course I know it's important, those furry things are children to me, but somehow it gets overlooked from time to time. I tell him that he lives here too and he goes on to tell me how he's only here 2 hours a day, and that I'm basically here all the time. I'm pissed because I do E V E R Y T H I N G around here, or so it seems. Sure, Corey goes through spurts where he's super helpful, but it's not consistent. He took up the laundry duties after my first surgery, but that has really dropped off and he'd end up trying to do it all in one day and we'd have varying degress of laundry doneness hanging around and since I am the "putter awayer", that wasn't working out for me. I have since taken back that duty.

I know he works hard and long hours and he's tired but I don't forget to tell him how much we appreciate it. We lay in bed tonight and I tried to explain where I was coming from, that I was feeling unappreciated and could use just a little more help around here. He simply says "we do appreicate you". I didn't feel I'd made my point, so I rattle off everything I do;

pay the bills, check homework, pack lunches, take Casey to school because she sleeps too late for Corey to take her, pick Casey up from school because Corey works too late, clean the kitchen about 100 times a day, plan the meals, cook the meals, clean up from the meals, make the coffee every night for the next day, clean the house, clean the toilets (I'm pretty sure Corey has never cleaned a toilet in his adult life), change the air filter, feed the dogs or make sure Dylan does it, keep track of every piece of paper the kids bring home from school, take care of every piece of mail, plan vacations, send birthday/mothers day/fathers day cards, run all the errands, grocery shop, doctor appointments, dental appointments, keep our calendar straight, sign the kids up for classes, put the kids to bed, clean up the yard (this one Corey does quite often), walk the dogs, work three days a week, and the list continues.

He just listened and even inserted a job here and there as I rattled away. But what I was looking for was a realization, a real apology and a promise to do just a little. I don't expect much. As a part time stay at home mom and control freak, I happily assume most responsibility. But what would be nice is getting your beer bottle and popcorn bowl to the kitchen at the end of the night, not leaving your clothes in a heap on the floor for the laundry fairy to find and take care of, putting the kids to bed now and then. But no, he was done and promptly fell asleep, so that leaves me here, too agitated to sleep.

I know it's the same story us moms have been dealing with forever and sounds so cliche, but damn it, it's true. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow we'll have a new spurt of extreme helpfulness. Let's hope so.

My husband

I am sitting here going through papers, trying to organize the office and prepare for taxes. I came across a list I made about Corey. Things I love about Corey. I remember writing it, back when we lived in our little bungalow, before kids, at the beginning of our marriage. It has literally 200 or more reasons I love him and things he does that make me love him more. I'll share just a few of them here, because I think it's important to remember things before kids. Before life got so crazy. Before cancer. It's funny, because the way he was then, is still the man he is now, I just don't take the time to tell him anymore. I consider myself very lucky to be so happy in my marriage, and to have proof that he is still the man I married.

Corey...
finds the good
gets me
makes me laugh until I can't breathe
finds the good
brings me coffee in bed
tolerates me
puts me first
fixes me breakfast
plays with the dogs on the floor
relentlessly tries to get me to stop worrying
lets me cry
cries with me
drives me crazy
reaches for things I can't reach even though he bought me a stool
bought me a stool
sent me flowers the Monday after saying the "L" word
sent me cookies to brighten my day
ate the cookies he sent to brighten my day
cried when he proposed
told everyone about it
asked my parents first
won't go to bed without a kiss and makes me come get it.

Oh how I love my husband. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Runner Girl

My birthday is this week. My 40th. My husband and I have never been big on extravagant gifts and in fact go many holidays without exchanging. We never seem to have extra money to spend on each other and would rather put those funds elsewhere, but we also don't need materials to know the love is there. The sentiment is there, with or without the gift. For this year however, my husband gave me my gift. It couldn't have been more fitting for my life right now. I am a runner. I feel like an impostor saying that since I'm not fast or overly dedicated. But the fact that I've run a marathon, run 8 half marathons and fit running into my life, every week makes me one. I love the way it makes me feel. I feel strong and fit and like I can do anything. Lately though, running has taken a back seat and I've felt badly about it in lots of ways, but kept rationalizing it.

I am in the middle of planning for a double mastectomy and worrying about the recovery after. Part of me wanted to stop running altogether, at least until the surgery because I figured what's the point? I'm just going to lose anything I've worked to achieve when that day comes. I worry about how long it will be before I can run again and worry about how long it will take me to get it back. I worry I won't have the motivation or the drive.

Then my husband gives me my present. Two stickers for my car. One says 26.2. I wonder if having run only one marathon qualifies me to display this, but my husband assures me it does. The other says Runner Girl. I love it. I needed this to remind me how important this is in my life and not to give up on it. It will motivate me to stay with it. No matter what setbacks I face. Just finished a 6 mile run without a thought of giving up or slowing down.

I am a Runner Girl