It's on!

What's on is my quest to be fit again. Let me first say that this is the first time in history where no weight was gained on vacation. I'm in shock. I've even made my kids get on the scale to make sure it's accurate. I think being vegan in the South helped a bit with this one. No cookies my skinny sister in law made, no ice cream at the beach (which I truly missed, as an experience), no real entrees except veggie burgers and vegetables. My mother in law was so sweet to cater to my restrictions. Instead of using butter to cook her vegetables, she used Crisco. Thank you (I think).

Anyway, so yesterday, my son Dylan looks at me as I'm waving my arm and points to it and giggles and says "jiggle jiggle". If that's not a hint that I need to exercise... I can't even repeat what he said about my thighs. I'm still trying to erase that one from my memory.

My foot is better and I have been back to running, ever so slowly. I don't want to risk re-injury. I'm only up to 2 miles and am going for 3 this weekend. I am just so damn happy to be running again. I actually smile when I know it's a running morning. I took my two insanely crazy dogs running this morning. It used to be just Fletcher, but Livvy has caught on and I can't look at her face and not take her too. I know we look like a circus act running down the street. This is how my morning goes: 5:30-6:00am, my big dog rams the side of the bed and nudges my hand with his wet nose until I get up. Both he and Livvy race down the stairs and are literally underfoot as I get my running clothes on. Fletcher runs around with one sock or the other in his mouth until I yank it from his mouth and put the wet thing on. Then we head out. It's nutty, but it makes me smile to see them both so happy.

So, I'm on the quest to finally lose 4 pounds and tighten up. This is it. No more excuses.

On the boob front, they seem to be getting lower, like the whole thing is slipping. I know my PA thinks I've lost it and let me schedule a pity appointment. We'll see what they say. She did say Dr. B could fix it at my nipple construction.

Happy Summer!

Here comes the sun...

Finally. I feel better. I've been wallowing in some sort of depression for what feels like months. I felt like my life was a constant scramble up loose rocks to stay happy, or even to feel the absence of sadness. It wasn't a crying sad, just a cloud.

Work had been really slow, running was non-existent, the clouds literally covered the sun for weeks, etc. etc. I worked every day to keep the sadness from getting the best of me. Again, I'd like to blame the whole breast cancer thing, because at least that I can understand.

Since then, work has picked up, I've started running again, and it looks like Spring is finally here. It's still good days/bad days, but the good days are better and the bad aren't so low.

Boobs are fine. Still seem a bit big, but I'll get used to it. My PS smiled when he saw me and said that they looked good. I really think he meant it, I could see it in his face. They still feel completely foreign. I'm numb up to where my necklace hits, although, when I was at the PS last, I scratched somewhere in between the two, and felt something. I was really excited and so was the PA. Nipples will be in August, after the summer. This way I won't have the shields on with my swimsuit, or worry about swimming at all.

The rest of life is moving along at lightning speed. School is almost out for the summer (lord help me) and I'm gearing up for trips planned. Running is ok. Only up to about 2 miles. The boobs seem really tight when I'm running, but not painful, so I'll keep trudging along.

This all sounds pretty boring, but I'm just glad to be coming out of the fog.

Swift kick in the ....

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I woke up in the wrong bed altogether... Casey's. She was up at 6:15 and I was dead tired and just crawled into her tiny little twin bed and we fell back asleep for a little while. I am depressed. Actually, I've been depressed for days now and can't pinpoint it. Isn't that the worst? When you don't know exactly what is bringing you down? I mean, if I knew what was making me unhappy, I'd be able to work on it, listen to a sappy song about it, deal with it or at least understand it. My knee jerk reaction is to blame the boobs. Angry at something? Must be because I had a mastectomy. Sad? mastectomy. Mopey? Yep, mastectomy. I'm pretty sure that's not it entirely, but maybe just a little, like an overshadowing sad, not overwhelming and in your face.

I came down this morning and cleaned the kitchen, before I even had any coffee. Of course the dishes from last night were in front of the coffee maker, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I literally can't stand a messy house. My house is far from perfect, but if there's not some semblance of order, I can't continue with anything else. Anyway, I proceeded to put my running clothes on, only to stop at the back door, in tears, deciding I can't do this. I decided instead to take a shower and attempt a do-over at my already crappy day. I was intending for the soap and water to wash off the ugly attitude. It worked for the most part. Since it was FINALLY a nice day, Casey and I walked down to the park which was lovely. Just what she and I both needed.

I'm mad I didn't run and still have plans of running tomorrow. I knew this would happen. That it would become close to surgery date and I'd give up again, knowing I'm going to be starting all over again. I'm so glad I decided on the 10 mile run last week, otherwise I'm confident my running would have already stopped. I'm hoping for the strength to continue through next weekend, even if it's only a few miles. I don't want to deal with this all again. Surgery is in 1 week, 3 days. Kind of feeling numb about it but sadly looking forward to percocet induced sleep.

I'm 1 pound away from my goal weight, so I'll take it. Let's just hope I don't fuck it up in the next week. If today is any indication, I'm in for an uphill battle. Oh well. Corey and the kids plus one neighbor went out for ice cream and I'm enjoying a little solitude. I threatened to make him take them out to dinner too :)

Snowman Stampede

Ran the 10 mile snowman stampede on Saturday. Not my fastest, but very close and for that I am happy. Corey did great, as I knew he would. It was fun to do this together. He was faster, of course. At around mile one he started to pull away and looked back at me for the OK to go ahead. He had talked about us staying together, but I knew I wanted him to see how fast he could go, really. I finished with about a 10:28 average per mile.

Pre-op appointment yesterday. Ready to go!

chocolate and such

Just a quick note to say that things are going well. slow and steady progress, finally! Ran 6 miles Saturday at a decent pace. Not my fastest, but not as slow as I was a few weeks ago so I think I can officially say I'm back within range of where I was. A few more pounds, but really the good news is that I feel better. I feel less "chunky" and I actually saw a muscle in my thigh, which was nice, I've missed them so.

I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred video. Not sure why given that I suck at working out to videos at home. I guess it's cause I'm a bit obsessed with her. I want her rack too, by the way. I plan on trying it tomorrow. Deal is, you're supposed to do it every day. It's only 20 minutes, but that's just not going to happen. Running comes first, then maybe a day or 2 of this. I am happy with how consistent I've been working out. It fits into my life and feels good.

Now for the diet. Hmmm. Calories are good and within my limits (thanks to working out), but what they're comprised of is nothing to be proud of. Being a vegetarian, I watch my protein. That's it, I watch it and notice that it's not enough. I also watch my fat. Watch the fact that it takes up a large percentage of my calories, thanks to the chocolate. The damn chocolate. Well, at least part of the time, it's wrapped around a nutritious almond.

I supppose I could cut down on the chocolate. There is a little treasure chest of chocolates at work. Hershey Nuggets to be exact. Sometimes I just sit there and eat them one after the other. Sometimes I take the wrappers home so no one will see how many I ate. I'm a train wreck. You know, like you're on a TV show to get help and they show you and how absolutely pathetic you are on a secret video they've taken and you're all like "I had no idea I was such a loser". Only I have watched the tape in my head, I don't need a show.

Oh well. I have managed to ration 4 chocolates for the days I work. Maybe I'll cut that down to 3 or even 2 over time. Baby steps...

why do I bother??

Let me just say that I am pretty pissy today. I have been soooo good; staying in my calories, running almost every day, and yet the weight is up, yet again. I just want to cry. Each day I wake up thinking today my weight will reflect my hard work, even just a little. A couple of days ago, my weight was actually down 1/2 a pound. That's all I need to keep me going, just a little ray of hope that what I'm doing will pay off, even slowly. But then yesterday and today, the weight has topped out where I was when I started. Let's hope my period is to blame for some of this poundage. I'm giving it 5 days to even out, then I guess I'll try something new. ARRRGGH! Frustrated does not begin to cover it.

On a good note (like it matters), I ran 5 miles Sunday. My farthest run since I quit running before surgery. It wasn't too bad and I averaged 10:58 per mile. This included a stop to clean up after Fletcher, 2 stoplights, and 2 other dog aversions. So, we're getting there. I think I ran something like 19 miles last week. I ran 2 yesterday at 10:30 pace, so even closer and plan to run 2 more today.

I do think I'll have to walk some of the 10 mile race I signed up for. I read an article about getting back to running after a set back and it suggests not signing up for any races, and if you do, pay no attention to your time and don't compare it to previous races. That's what I plan to do. I know that I can't really expect to be back until after my final surgery.

I'll keep truding along and keep my chin up. I know I'm doing all the right things.

So Corey just said to me "I'm frustrated too, cause my pants don't fit either". Ummm, his are too big. Not fair.

Plus one, minus two

So, the scale finally reflects 2 pounds lost. whew. 4 more to go. I haven't checked in with the Wii fit to get her perspective, but not sure I want to. Just in case she's off. I know, I know, 4 sounds so small compared to someone with larger weight issues (like on the Biggest Loser), but for me it is the difference in my clothes fitting, in my belly bulge, in my confidence.

Ran one mile this morning. I know right now you're thinking, "Wow, Beth a WHOLE mile, just a short EIGHT weeks post surgery, what a superstar". Well, thing was I got up late. It's all I had time for, so I grabbed Fletcher and took off. Since it was only one mile, my pace was very close to my pace pre-life changing ordeal. I feel good. Had a great day yesterday calorie wise and doing ok so far today, minus the ever present chocolates at work-arrrgghhh and yum!

I was sitting there today conversing with my boss and it seems many many times I feel like I have boobs. This fantasy would of course be shattered if I was to touch them in any way, but point is, they don't hurt and don't feel weird. Sleeping still sucks and some reaching, but it's good to know that overall, I can feel normal. They look pretty cute in a shirt too, if you look past the overachieving right side, which is a bit higher.

Looking forward to beer tonight if I can keep my calories in check.

E is in for her final implant surgery today! I get to keep her fabulous daughter after school and can't wait to see E after all of this. She's the superstar.

ugh

OK, I feel the need to post today, just to keep me in line with this weight thing. Stupid Wii Fit bitch says I'm up like 1.5 pounds. I don't doubt it. I have been pretty good but went out with girlfriends last night. I had like 150 calories left and I planned on a glass of wine and maybe a snack (went to a tapas place, so I thought that was doable). I did only have one expensive glass of wine and then proceeded to eat the whole flat bread pizza cause no one else was. I know part of the weight is just the sodium and from eating so late.

I saw my running buddy this morning. She's running the Colorado Marathon again. I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't do it but am extremely happy for her and would love to go to Fort Collins and cheer for her. Maybe I can drag E up there for a girls night and we'll see J run in the morning. After that, I have decided to run the Snowman Stampede 10 mile, not the 5 mile. I'm so sick and tired of performing under par. Screw it, I can do this! Corey ran 3 with Fletcher this morning and came back all glowy and sweaty.

So, let's look at the positives. I got up again this morning and did my Wii Fit. Casey has a gym class this morning and I plan on heading over to the rec center for some elliptical, or maybe just a run near her gym.

I feel like I've got a one track mind and really would like to post about other than my weight, but that's what's over-shadowing me right now.

routine

Ah, how I love routine. Today is back to work and back to school and back to sanity. Although it's always a challenge getting the kids ready for school, me ready for work and a workout, I feel more put together. I literally did not get out of my pajamas until 4pm yesterday when I finally decided I needed to take the dog for a walk.

I got up at 5:50am and hit the treadmill this morning. I only did 2 miles slowly, but it's something. My foobs (saw this description on a breast cancer site and thought it was pretty funny... and accurate) were sore and heavy, more than they were Saturday. I think they're still sore from Saturday. I came up from the basement to find Corey doing yoga on the Wii fit-yea!

I have decided to run a race in February. It's a 5 or 10 miler and I haven't decided which one yet. I'd like to do 10, but just not sure how much my chest can take. It's slow going getting back in shape, but I really need a goal to keep me moving.

This race will help a lot. Corey is signing up with me. I am thrilled that he is getting active again. He is a natural athlete and is good at anything he tries. In the past, I haven't really wanted him to run. That has been my thing. My only thing. The one thing I can do that he doesn't. But now he wants to start. I've decided to put my pride in the back pocket and cheer him on as much as he has me. Who knows, this might be fun for us. We'll never really be able to run together. He's over 6 feet and I measure up at just over 5. He's the before mentioned natural athlete, while I am one who really has to work at it. But, he needs this, just like I do. I think it's amazing what running has done fo rme. I may not be fast, but it sure feels good.

As for my weight battle.... Um... I'm trying. I haven't lost any yet, but did indulge just a little on New Year's. I had a spinach salad for lunch yesterday and a roasted sweet potato for dinner (yum!) This is more vegetables than my body has seen in weeks. I had to make up for the Reese peanut butter tree and other miscellaneous chocolates. Today I got out the Vitamix and made a smoothie with berries, soy milk, splenda, protein powder and flax seeds. I especially love that my daughter took some with her to drink on the way to school. I feel positive about my progress.

2009

Now that 2010 is here, I thought I'd take a moment to think about all of the good things of 2009...

I'm thankful that I am still happily married
My kids are healthy and happy
My first marathon
Going back to work (part time) after an 8 year hiatus. I love my job, it couldn't be more perfect.
My neighbor and friend J, who made me run more than ever and kept me going.
My husband still has a good paying job
My successful surgery and the peace in knowing I've beat cancer before it could touch me.
My parents are still alive and well and active
I'm grateful my sister lives so close and we're able to see her often
My new dog of 2009, Fletcher
Living in Colorado
Our beach trip last summer, Casey's first that she can remember
Camping with kids and friends
All of my friends I've made here; neighbors, playgroup friends
Hooking up with old friends thanks to facebook
Nike Plus which helps me achieve my goals
My beautiful friend E, who has helped me through my surgery and all the physical and emotional pain
The support of family that I haven't talked to in years

I could go on and on. It really is the little things that make a year amazing. I have so much and only wish others had what I do.

I am incredibly ready to start 2010! This year I plan to get back into running after my 2 month surgery break, try trail running and remember to make a big deal out of things, not just skate through them. I wish E, L, Kelly and me the strength to come out of this crap better and stronger than ever. As E says, I'm a badass now. I like that.

Runner Girl

My birthday is this week. My 40th. My husband and I have never been big on extravagant gifts and in fact go many holidays without exchanging. We never seem to have extra money to spend on each other and would rather put those funds elsewhere, but we also don't need materials to know the love is there. The sentiment is there, with or without the gift. For this year however, my husband gave me my gift. It couldn't have been more fitting for my life right now. I am a runner. I feel like an impostor saying that since I'm not fast or overly dedicated. But the fact that I've run a marathon, run 8 half marathons and fit running into my life, every week makes me one. I love the way it makes me feel. I feel strong and fit and like I can do anything. Lately though, running has taken a back seat and I've felt badly about it in lots of ways, but kept rationalizing it.

I am in the middle of planning for a double mastectomy and worrying about the recovery after. Part of me wanted to stop running altogether, at least until the surgery because I figured what's the point? I'm just going to lose anything I've worked to achieve when that day comes. I worry about how long it will be before I can run again and worry about how long it will take me to get it back. I worry I won't have the motivation or the drive.

Then my husband gives me my present. Two stickers for my car. One says 26.2. I wonder if having run only one marathon qualifies me to display this, but my husband assures me it does. The other says Runner Girl. I love it. I needed this to remind me how important this is in my life and not to give up on it. It will motivate me to stay with it. No matter what setbacks I face. Just finished a 6 mile run without a thought of giving up or slowing down.

I am a Runner Girl