Feeling good

Feeling pretty good one day out. My abdomen is sore, but basically good. One percocet yesterday evening as I began to regain feeling after the anesthesia and also had a headache. I felt so good yesterday that I thought I could go walk the dogs I'm sitting. I forgot that it takes a while for percocet to really kick in and when it does, I get dizzy. My sweet husband walked them for me and I came over and fed them. Of course he comments "Four years I've been working at Mercury, and not once have you gone to work for me." ha!

I spent last night nauseous and whiny so I went to bed with Casey at 8:00. Now up at 6:00 and no meds yet. I think it's going to be a good day but I will remind myself not to overdo it.

There is some bleeding through the bandages, but I think that's ok, as long as it's not "excessive". My biggest fear is that the nips will be cockeyed. I moved one of the sensors Dr. B used to place the nipples and I hope I kept it even. Oh well, I trust he's done it right.

a sad day

So, anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals. I mean love love. I know I'm wired differently, and I'm ok with that. I like animals more than people. Sure, I love my people, but give me a stranger and an animal, it's a toss up. I've seen the evil people are capable of. Animals are not.

Anyway, Friday was especially tragic and was a real live nightmare for me. We hit a deer coming home from my parent's cabin after cutting down our Christmas tree. We were going down the dirt road outside of Larkspur as we had hundreds of times. We usually spot deer on our drive, but this time, both Corey and I turned for a split second to admire a cabin we'd like and when I turned around, there it was. A beautiful young buck, inches from the front of our truck, trying to cross the road. I immediately closed my eyes and curled in the fetal position, not believing what was happening. There was no time for brakes. We hit it. Luckily the kids were looking down messing with their music and felt the bump. They are wired much like me and I fear how that would have affected them had they seen it. Dylan kept saying, "what's wrong with mom?" as I sobbed. We turned the truck around and parked so we could assess the damage, both to the deer and the truck (which I didn't care about).

Corey and I got out of the truck and began walking back down the road. I didn't see the deer and naively hoped he had hopped on, that we didn't hit it that hard. Corey walked back to the truck to get to the kids and I kept walking the side of the road. Then I saw it, lying in the ditch. I crumpled. I kept getting closer, hoping to see it not breathing. But damn, it was breathing. I crept closer as my instinct was to to hug it and pet it and tell it everything is going to be ok. I stopped cause I didn't want to scare the poor thing. He lifted his head and I just stayed there, bent over bawling. Corey motioned me back to the truck. Now what?! We were both distraught. We knew the animal needed to be put down out of it's misery. We figured, this is Larkspur, surely most people around here hunt. And so began our search for someone to humanly end it's life. We ended up at the fire station and called the sheriff from there. She didn't know how long before someone could come out so we stopped at the gas station. Luckily, we found a hunter. Corey pleaded with him to go back and put the poor deer out of his misery. He agreed and we felt better, just a little.

We ended up going back to meet the deputy at the scene. I stayed in the truck while Corey and the officer went up to the deer. He had expired on his own in those 30 minutes. Corey knelt down next to the deer, pet it and told him he was sorry. He wondered if the officer had ever seen someone apologize to a deer.

The rest of the day was pretty dismal. Corey was surprised how hard it was on him. I know that being with me for 12 years has a lot to do with that. My son drew me a picture, both my kids knew how hard I was taking this. The picture was the truck, Corey and the deer with Corey saying "I'm sorry" and the deer says "It's ok". I hugged him tight and said "you really get me, don't you." He said yes, and he does. I love that boy. He was worried about telling his friend Hadley. He said she'll probably be as upset as me. Hadley loves animals like I do and I wish she were mine. Casey made me a princess flag by taping a picture she drew to a marker. I'm glad she didn't fully understand what happened.

The officer said that if the hunter showed up, he could have the meat and if not, it would be processed and given to the shelter. At least there is some use of a tragedy.

I'm sorry sweet deer. Rest in peace.

a month

I can't believe a whole month has gone by since what better be my final surgery! It flew by. Overall, I am happy with the results. At first they were swollen and my boobs actually had a more "real" look to them, but alas, they are still two grapefruits adhered to my ribs. Smaller grapefruits, but round and unnatural just the same. Oh well. I'm feeling good and normal. I started running again this week. It's sad, pathetic and slow, but I am so glad to be back at it. I've signed up for boot camp for November. I am now regretting it, but need to follow through. It's at one of those places with no music, no tv's, and some hyper, slightly mean, ex-marine running the class. I need this to get me back in shape. I am a total and complete blob.

As for losing my job, it has been the best thing. I cannot believe how much happier I am. I think that place was really bringing me down and although I had a paycheck, it had a way of making me feel stupid and useless. I have since been lucky enough to land a temporary work at home position as a search engine evaluator. It's tedious work, so I'm not getting a ton of hours in, but I'm able to collect some unemployment to make up for my lack of hours. The position will end in 6 months, so I'll need to figure out a new plan by then. They're also very strict about work quality, so it is entirely possible they'll fire me sooner than that.

I have jumped in to working on Rocky Mountain Dog Runner. It's a lot of fun. I've created my facebook page and am working on setting my rates and getting my website going. Corey took some pictures of me with the dogs yesterday for the website. Luckily, he was able to snap some shots that didn't show the dogs pulling me down the trail. I'm taking it slowly since I really don't have the time to do much with Casey here most days. I plan on more on marketing when Casey is in school next Fall. It's weird how much I've been working on this venture. Maybe this one will stick.

I am loving the season and enjoying my family. Corey and I celebrated our 12th anniversary last month. We are still as happy as ever and had a great simple night out.

Happy Fall!

can't sleep....

Feeling unappreciated. As we're going to bed tonight, Corey checks and sees that the dogs have no water. He then begins to scold me. Of course I know it's important, those furry things are children to me, but somehow it gets overlooked from time to time. I tell him that he lives here too and he goes on to tell me how he's only here 2 hours a day, and that I'm basically here all the time. I'm pissed because I do E V E R Y T H I N G around here, or so it seems. Sure, Corey goes through spurts where he's super helpful, but it's not consistent. He took up the laundry duties after my first surgery, but that has really dropped off and he'd end up trying to do it all in one day and we'd have varying degress of laundry doneness hanging around and since I am the "putter awayer", that wasn't working out for me. I have since taken back that duty.

I know he works hard and long hours and he's tired but I don't forget to tell him how much we appreciate it. We lay in bed tonight and I tried to explain where I was coming from, that I was feeling unappreciated and could use just a little more help around here. He simply says "we do appreicate you". I didn't feel I'd made my point, so I rattle off everything I do;

pay the bills, check homework, pack lunches, take Casey to school because she sleeps too late for Corey to take her, pick Casey up from school because Corey works too late, clean the kitchen about 100 times a day, plan the meals, cook the meals, clean up from the meals, make the coffee every night for the next day, clean the house, clean the toilets (I'm pretty sure Corey has never cleaned a toilet in his adult life), change the air filter, feed the dogs or make sure Dylan does it, keep track of every piece of paper the kids bring home from school, take care of every piece of mail, plan vacations, send birthday/mothers day/fathers day cards, run all the errands, grocery shop, doctor appointments, dental appointments, keep our calendar straight, sign the kids up for classes, put the kids to bed, clean up the yard (this one Corey does quite often), walk the dogs, work three days a week, and the list continues.

He just listened and even inserted a job here and there as I rattled away. But what I was looking for was a realization, a real apology and a promise to do just a little. I don't expect much. As a part time stay at home mom and control freak, I happily assume most responsibility. But what would be nice is getting your beer bottle and popcorn bowl to the kitchen at the end of the night, not leaving your clothes in a heap on the floor for the laundry fairy to find and take care of, putting the kids to bed now and then. But no, he was done and promptly fell asleep, so that leaves me here, too agitated to sleep.

I know it's the same story us moms have been dealing with forever and sounds so cliche, but damn it, it's true. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow we'll have a new spurt of extreme helpfulness. Let's hope so.

Time for the lovin'!

This is Casey's new thing and I'm eating it up. Out of nowhere, at least once a day, she announces "time for the lovin'!" with arms outstretched and comences kissing me all over my face and hugging with all her might. She uses it to her advantage, like after I've turned out the light, trying to leave her for bedtime. Or when I'm miffed at the sibling bickering. I'll take it. I need that to shake me out of my funk and remember what's important, and sacred, and lovely. To get out of the mean and into the love.

Trying to plan Casey's birthday at Build a Bear. For whatever reason, she calls it Bob the Builder. So if you ask her where she's having her party, it's at Bob the Builder. She has other names she's made up and won't let go of. TJMaxx=mac n cheese. Olive Garden=Blackberries. Build a Bear=Bob the Builder. The list goes on.

I wish they could stay little.

Swift kick in the ....

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I woke up in the wrong bed altogether... Casey's. She was up at 6:15 and I was dead tired and just crawled into her tiny little twin bed and we fell back asleep for a little while. I am depressed. Actually, I've been depressed for days now and can't pinpoint it. Isn't that the worst? When you don't know exactly what is bringing you down? I mean, if I knew what was making me unhappy, I'd be able to work on it, listen to a sappy song about it, deal with it or at least understand it. My knee jerk reaction is to blame the boobs. Angry at something? Must be because I had a mastectomy. Sad? mastectomy. Mopey? Yep, mastectomy. I'm pretty sure that's not it entirely, but maybe just a little, like an overshadowing sad, not overwhelming and in your face.

I came down this morning and cleaned the kitchen, before I even had any coffee. Of course the dishes from last night were in front of the coffee maker, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I literally can't stand a messy house. My house is far from perfect, but if there's not some semblance of order, I can't continue with anything else. Anyway, I proceeded to put my running clothes on, only to stop at the back door, in tears, deciding I can't do this. I decided instead to take a shower and attempt a do-over at my already crappy day. I was intending for the soap and water to wash off the ugly attitude. It worked for the most part. Since it was FINALLY a nice day, Casey and I walked down to the park which was lovely. Just what she and I both needed.

I'm mad I didn't run and still have plans of running tomorrow. I knew this would happen. That it would become close to surgery date and I'd give up again, knowing I'm going to be starting all over again. I'm so glad I decided on the 10 mile run last week, otherwise I'm confident my running would have already stopped. I'm hoping for the strength to continue through next weekend, even if it's only a few miles. I don't want to deal with this all again. Surgery is in 1 week, 3 days. Kind of feeling numb about it but sadly looking forward to percocet induced sleep.

I'm 1 pound away from my goal weight, so I'll take it. Let's just hope I don't fuck it up in the next week. If today is any indication, I'm in for an uphill battle. Oh well. Corey and the kids plus one neighbor went out for ice cream and I'm enjoying a little solitude. I threatened to make him take them out to dinner too :)

cooking update

Just a quick note on my cooking adventures. It's going well. I think I made dinner something like 4 nights last week, like real dinners, nothing frozen to oven involved. I try to include the kids in the preparation and have set new rules for dinner that they seem to be following. They have to try a bite of the new food. If they don't like it they can make a sandwich, but if they choose to do that, then no dessert. My kids are motivated by dessert (wonder where they get that). It's funny though because dessert usually consists of 3-5 jelly beans. So far I made sloppy joes (vegetarian for me and the kids) chicken casserole, baked spaghetti and something else I can't remember. I even stir fried some vegetables to go with it when my usual MO is to open a can. Casey loved the sloppy joe and Dylan likes edamame. Who knew? I feel very good about my progress.

The Universe

I wanted to start first with my 8 mile run today! whoo hoo. I ran the trek to Daniels Park and back. It's a very scenic run with lots of open space and if you're lucky, buffalo. It's basically 4 miles uphill and 4 miles downhill. I stopped twice on the way up; once at the top of the first incredibly steep hill, and another to admire and talk to the buffalo. I managed to average an 11 minute per mile pace, which is about as fast as I've ever been able to run it.

I do a lot of thinking on my runs. Today was mostly my vegan musings. I often think the universe is speaking to me, or at least in tune with my thoughts and energy. During my 1 1/2 hour run, Moby came on three times. That rarely happens, that the same artist will come on that much, and almost right in a row. Moby is a vegan. That was followed by Jack Johnson singing "Where'd All the Good People Go" and U2's "Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World." Maybe it's my imagination, and maybe I'm stretching it, but I most definitely think at times it's true.

Just last week, I took Fletcher out for a run in the early morning, and noticed the moon. It was a half moon and in a totally different place, a different size, and different shape than it had been just a night ago. I wondered aloud how that happens. So, I go on to work, my boss sits down and starts speaking to me about the phases of the moon. Weird, huh? I had to interrupt him to tell him how weird and magical that was.

Here is my favorite Universe story. Believe it if you will. Years ago, I worked retail selling cell phones. You know the big huge ones that came in briefcases and we called them "car phones". Anyway, I wasn't very good with the customers. Yes, I was one of those bratty sales girls who acts like you are totally bothering me and I have so many important things to do, rather than help you. I would much rather sit around and gab with my friends. Anyway, I started my usual "Um, did you need some help?" with this older lady. She looked me in the eye. Instantly I saw my grandmother in her, who I hadn't seen in at least a few years. Her sparkling blue eyes, and sweet sweet face. My wonderful grandmother. My attitude changed and I was chilled from the connection I felt. It was a short visit, and I don't even know if she bought anything but she left me with a warm feeling. I got a call from my dad later that week, my grandmother had died.

I've got more, but won't bore you with them. It's just to remind myself of the magic there is in the universe if you're still enough to listen.

food

My house smells like food. I'm not the kind of person who likes for the house to smell like food. Well, brownies or cookies are ok. My incredible mother in law has been staying here for the past week taking care of me, the house, the meals, the kids. She likes to cook. I mean she's one of those people who actually cooks for 3 meals a day. It's so sweet what she's doing, but I'm ready to get back to regular house smell without something always on the stove. Is that weird? I think a lot of people like that stuff. I think my husband is enjoying being fed. I just want clean and clean smelling. There's stuff down there now that needs to be put away, but I'm not allowed to do much. We cleaned the house yesterday, really really well. And now it's back to yuck. The worst is that I can't clean it. I sit up here, unable to do anything. I'm trapped in a food smelling house.

She leaves tomorrow. I don't think words exist to express my gratitude for her and all she's done. It will be nice to try and get back to our own routine though. I'll clean what I can and turn my head to the rest. December 1st, the house will be professionally cleaned. Whoo hoo! I'm hoping after that I'm well enough to keep it up.

That was a rather weird post. Just what's on my mind. Maybe I'll head downstairs to clean, just a little, and light a candle.

My everything

My family is my everything. It sounds like such a cliche, but so universally true. I love my funny, handsome, compassionate husband, who just seems to get me. He gets me and still loves me and isn't afraid to call me out on my small insanities.

My son, my first born is amazing. He's 8 and pushes me away, I think more because he likes to tease me, than that he really doesn't want the love. He knows I will chase him down and tackle him. I am filled with pride at who he is turning out to be... kind, smart, silly, all of that.

Today however is about my daughter. My perfect angelic daughter. I've always said that I didn't know I wanted a girl until I had one. I love that she NEEDS me, and I mean NEEDS me. When she was little, she and I would sleep on the couch together almost every night. She on my chest, me looking out the window at the stars and sleeping. So soundly, so sweetly. I felt that she could hear my heartbeat and that somehow calmed her. It was magical. I have never seen someone so free with her love. So unafraid and uncensored with the "I love you's" So deliberate and honest with her hugs, hand holds, and kisses. As I was laying in bed with her tonight, as I always do, she grabbed my head, pulled it to her neck and said "this is my best friend... ever" She is 3. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt the love. Physically felt it. Sometimes I wonder why I was blessed with such an angel. She is making me a better person. Someone who isn't afraid to say I love you. Someone who isn't afraid to give. I had no idea it could be like this. I count my blessings every day and could not imagine a better family for me. My girl. One piece of perfection.

Seems like old times...

I am home today with Dylan. Just me and him and boy is it nice. It has been so long since there has been a day at home, just me and him. It was just us for almost 5 years before Casey came along. We were buddies. I was more diligent with my mom career then, playing lots of creative games with my boy. Balls in the hall, where we'd gather all the balls we had and roll them back and forth down the hall. He was 2. Or the same game with all the cars and trucks. I made sure there was time outside, reading time, learning, little or no television, lots of music, set nap times and healthy meals. Corey worked long hours, and we didn't really have any friends or playgroups, so we made the most of our time together. The days went on forever. In a good way. Lots of time to figure out the best use of our day. Park or pool? Walk or errands? Museum or visit with family? Now that there are 2 of them, and has been that way for over 3 years, we're a lot more fly by the seat of your pants. No rules about what to do when, no set schedules, no boundaries. Well, sometimes it feels that way, but of course there are boundaries. It is hectic, good, but hectic.

Today, Dylan is home sick, but well enough to get off of the couch. So far today, we watched Biggest Loser (something my former mom self would never have allowed), played dinosaurs, went to Wendy's for a frosty and had lunch outside. It's been great and reminds me of years ago, just me and him. I miss it, terribly. I hope he is enjoying it too. This is good stuff.

family music

When I was driving home last night, with just my son in the car, I decided that we, at that very moment needed to hear a little James Taylor, Whenever I See Your Smiling Face. This is a song my husband used to say reminded him of me. Since Dylan was born, the attention has passed to him, which I am happy and proud of. I can remember my husband singing that song to our chubby faced 2-year-old and the song would elicit an even bigger smile. I felt at that moment, we needed to feel that feeling again and I checked the rear view mirror to see if I could get a smile and a hint of remembrance. It's amazing how listening to certain music can instantly bring you back to a memory, can make you feel good from the inside out, make you smile involuntarily, or even cry. It's a good thing. I love to pin lyrics on whatever is happening in my life and make them mesh, like they're singing my tune and putting into words what I can't. So many songs remind me of my family and many times I consciously title them that way. When Dylan was born, Sade's song, I don't even know what it's called, but know all the words, "when you're cold, I'll be there, hold you tight, to me, to me" and so on, held the magic of the incredibly deep love I felt for my baby boy. When my daughter was a baby, we watched Curious George as a family and Jack Johnson's song about being broken down but I'd rather be broke down with you by my side (as you can see, I know lyrics, not titles) . For me, it personified my bond with my daughter and set the stage for our buddiness, if that is even a word. There is of course "our song", for me and Corey. He was away on work, and I watched Prelude to a Kiss. Van Morrison's Someone like You came on and I immediately knew, that was our song. I could go on and on. A few weeks ago, we were all in the backyard, playing ball, swinging on the swingset, BBQing dinner and listening to music. Family Time by Ziggy Marley came on and it so defined the moment. I think every family should have family songs. It bonds and defines and deepens our relationships. Music can produce such intense feelings and it's nice to tie those into family. Of course sitting in the car, in the garage, with all the windows down jamming to Boom Boom Pow and watching my son "get down" in the back seat is great too.