a sad day

So, anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals. I mean love love. I know I'm wired differently, and I'm ok with that. I like animals more than people. Sure, I love my people, but give me a stranger and an animal, it's a toss up. I've seen the evil people are capable of. Animals are not.

Anyway, Friday was especially tragic and was a real live nightmare for me. We hit a deer coming home from my parent's cabin after cutting down our Christmas tree. We were going down the dirt road outside of Larkspur as we had hundreds of times. We usually spot deer on our drive, but this time, both Corey and I turned for a split second to admire a cabin we'd like and when I turned around, there it was. A beautiful young buck, inches from the front of our truck, trying to cross the road. I immediately closed my eyes and curled in the fetal position, not believing what was happening. There was no time for brakes. We hit it. Luckily the kids were looking down messing with their music and felt the bump. They are wired much like me and I fear how that would have affected them had they seen it. Dylan kept saying, "what's wrong with mom?" as I sobbed. We turned the truck around and parked so we could assess the damage, both to the deer and the truck (which I didn't care about).

Corey and I got out of the truck and began walking back down the road. I didn't see the deer and naively hoped he had hopped on, that we didn't hit it that hard. Corey walked back to the truck to get to the kids and I kept walking the side of the road. Then I saw it, lying in the ditch. I crumpled. I kept getting closer, hoping to see it not breathing. But damn, it was breathing. I crept closer as my instinct was to to hug it and pet it and tell it everything is going to be ok. I stopped cause I didn't want to scare the poor thing. He lifted his head and I just stayed there, bent over bawling. Corey motioned me back to the truck. Now what?! We were both distraught. We knew the animal needed to be put down out of it's misery. We figured, this is Larkspur, surely most people around here hunt. And so began our search for someone to humanly end it's life. We ended up at the fire station and called the sheriff from there. She didn't know how long before someone could come out so we stopped at the gas station. Luckily, we found a hunter. Corey pleaded with him to go back and put the poor deer out of his misery. He agreed and we felt better, just a little.

We ended up going back to meet the deputy at the scene. I stayed in the truck while Corey and the officer went up to the deer. He had expired on his own in those 30 minutes. Corey knelt down next to the deer, pet it and told him he was sorry. He wondered if the officer had ever seen someone apologize to a deer.

The rest of the day was pretty dismal. Corey was surprised how hard it was on him. I know that being with me for 12 years has a lot to do with that. My son drew me a picture, both my kids knew how hard I was taking this. The picture was the truck, Corey and the deer with Corey saying "I'm sorry" and the deer says "It's ok". I hugged him tight and said "you really get me, don't you." He said yes, and he does. I love that boy. He was worried about telling his friend Hadley. He said she'll probably be as upset as me. Hadley loves animals like I do and I wish she were mine. Casey made me a princess flag by taping a picture she drew to a marker. I'm glad she didn't fully understand what happened.

The officer said that if the hunter showed up, he could have the meat and if not, it would be processed and given to the shelter. At least there is some use of a tragedy.

I'm sorry sweet deer. Rest in peace.

A year and a day

I meant to post yesterday, like it was some big milestone and I'd have something rather prolific to say, but the day got away from me and it turned out to be a day just like any other.

So, it's been a year. A year since they took my breasts. It's been one hell of a year and I've gone from utterly devestated to giddingly thankful only to land somewhere in between. I think there's a touch of bitterness left but otherwise still good. I miss my breasts but I don't pine for them. I still don't have nips so I guess even after a year I am not complete. Nips are coming in December with tattooing next year. Everyone was right, it does take a year. I was in such denial and had to tell myself that no, for me things would be different. For me, it would only be 3 months at the most, and then I'll have my life back. I've still got some healing to do. More emotionally than physically. I still am not comfortable with my new look. I was never much of an exhibitionist, but I keep my shirt on all the time. Like all the time.

I am happy overall with the size and shape and they've settled in nicely. After my last race, it took a good 2-3 weeks for my rib pain to dissapate, but it has and I am finally back at running at it feels so good. Of course the same 2-3 pounds that keep visiting me are back but I'm working again at shedding them. It's just next to impossible without being able to exercise.

Life in general is good otherwise. I'm plugging away little by little at getting Rocky Mountain Dog Runner up and running and will market more after the holidays. Still collecting un-employment and the search for a job will begin again in January. It's been nice to be able to take a break and breathe. I've been able to get to things around the house that needed to be done and to take my time getting my business up and running. I feel extremely lucky and know it won't last so I'm taking full advantage.

Caseyism for today: "Mom, how did you and dad make me?" Me: "With love" Casey: "So, hugs and kisses.... and a hammer?" Me: "Yep, just like that"

Three surgeries in the past year, what's your excuse?

I wanted to wear this sign on my back during the Denver Rock n Roll half marathon last weekend. I felt the need to explain why I was so slow. It's not like I'm fast when I'm prepared either, I just have a hard time performing at less than par for me. I also know that no one cares that I'm slow, or why I am. Anyway, I made it through the race. I actually ran most of it and finished at 2:48. My best is 2:13. It was a gorgeous day for 16,000 runners. I as truly inspired by many of the people in the race. I saw at least two women with chemo haircuts, many older folks and one very overweight man hobbling through with a cane. I like to imagine that the race was his new beginning to a better life.

My legs are still stiff (and I am loving that feeling). I am reminded that there actually are muscles in there somewhere. The thing I don't like is that my ribs are incredibly sore, like under my stitches. It kept me from running even more during the race. I ran with my fists jabbed into my ribs at times because that provided some support. They're still sore and had a hard time walking the dogs this morning. I am supposed to start boot camp, but am putting it off until the soreness goes away. I called my PA yesterday just be sure I haven't caused any damage, that the pain I'm feeling is just my body getting back to moving again.

It feels good to be back in the game (again). Hopefully no more setbacks.

a month

I can't believe a whole month has gone by since what better be my final surgery! It flew by. Overall, I am happy with the results. At first they were swollen and my boobs actually had a more "real" look to them, but alas, they are still two grapefruits adhered to my ribs. Smaller grapefruits, but round and unnatural just the same. Oh well. I'm feeling good and normal. I started running again this week. It's sad, pathetic and slow, but I am so glad to be back at it. I've signed up for boot camp for November. I am now regretting it, but need to follow through. It's at one of those places with no music, no tv's, and some hyper, slightly mean, ex-marine running the class. I need this to get me back in shape. I am a total and complete blob.

As for losing my job, it has been the best thing. I cannot believe how much happier I am. I think that place was really bringing me down and although I had a paycheck, it had a way of making me feel stupid and useless. I have since been lucky enough to land a temporary work at home position as a search engine evaluator. It's tedious work, so I'm not getting a ton of hours in, but I'm able to collect some unemployment to make up for my lack of hours. The position will end in 6 months, so I'll need to figure out a new plan by then. They're also very strict about work quality, so it is entirely possible they'll fire me sooner than that.

I have jumped in to working on Rocky Mountain Dog Runner. It's a lot of fun. I've created my facebook page and am working on setting my rates and getting my website going. Corey took some pictures of me with the dogs yesterday for the website. Luckily, he was able to snap some shots that didn't show the dogs pulling me down the trail. I'm taking it slowly since I really don't have the time to do much with Casey here most days. I plan on more on marketing when Casey is in school next Fall. It's weird how much I've been working on this venture. Maybe this one will stick.

I am loving the season and enjoying my family. Corey and I celebrated our 12th anniversary last month. We are still as happy as ever and had a great simple night out.

Happy Fall!

lost my job

You know how they say you can actually make things happen in your life, just by the power of your thoughts? I don't know if it was a little of that and a little of knowing it was coming, but I am officially unemployed. In some ways it sucks, but I think I've been prepared for this. I didn't want to keep coming here and answering the phone, it was exhausting emotionally and depressing. The only worry I have now is money. It's not like I made a whole lot, but it paid for Casey's pre-school, so now the question is whether we can afford to keep her in school. She's four, so she really should be in pre-school. Of course there are ways of finding the money, but it feels like we're tight enough already.

I have an exam starting today to work a temporary job with Leapforce. It's only a 6 month term and I hear the test is really hard, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But, I am a really good test taker for what it's worth. I'm not even sure what that means, but I've always done well on standardized tests and found them easy, so we'll see.

Today has been weird. My boss sat down and started with "You know how much I like you..." I held back the tears cause how unprofessional is that? It's just a really weird feeling to be let go and the knee jerk reaction (for me) is to cry. Anyway, we've said our goodbyes and he will keep me as a contractor for any research that comes up (the only part I liked about my job). I do wholeheartedly believe that things happen that push you toward bigger and better things. I won't say "things happen for a reason" cause I hate that saying. Tomato, tomatoe.

Anyway, that's life today. Hoping for the best with the Leapforce test and I'll take it from there. I also want to start a pet sitting business. I love dogs more than people and would really enjoy that, just need the shove to get started and the courage to believe I can do it.

Happy September!

It finally feels like Fall is on the way. Well, not by noon it won't, but it was actually just a tiny bit chilly this morning while I walked the dogs, so pleasant and energizing.

So, what better be my final surgery is on Tuesday. Had my pre-op appointment Monday. Nothing new to report. We talked about going down 50cc's at the most. I'm good with that. We talked about pain, and restrictions and I once again begin to worry about the housework. But this time so much less than before. I think I've just begun to realize how fast time passes and that four weeks, is really nothing. Dr. B asks "So, are you excited?" I don't think excited is the word. Anxious and ready is more like it. I could see my boobs bobbing along out of the corner of my eye, as I walked the dogs. No more of that I hope.

Casey had her first soccer practice last night. Cutest thing ever. Go Sparkle Ponies! What's even cuter is her enthusiasm. Each time they came off the field for water, she would announce "I am so good at soccer." I love it. After practice we hung around, just for a minute. The sun was at a perfect angle and I saw my kids walking toward me, together, smiling. I swear it was the most beautiful thing I'd seen, ever. Man I love my kids.

Best song I heard on my walk this morning: Forever Young by Bob Dylan. When Dylan was born, some friends of my parents had written out the words to the song on a card (you know, with his name being Dylan and all). It really is a lovely song and has had a special place in my heart ever since.

True to form, I have stopped running. I just don't see the point with surgery ready to catapult me back to square one with fitness.

Happy early Fall, I love this time of year.

Fido Fest

There is no happier place for me, than to be surrounded by dogs and the people who love them. We went to Fido Fest in Castle Rock last weekend and pet as many dogs as we could get our hands on. I purchased a double leash for Fletcher and Livvy and we watched the cutest dog contest, which included a beautiful pit bull with the best manners I have ever seen, being directed by a six year old girl. I have a special place in my heart for the breed. They are the most misunderstood and mistreated dog and it just breaks my heart. There are no bad dogs, only bad owners. Anyway, after we had enough of the Fest, we decided to pay a visit to the Dumb Friends League across the highway and donate some money and look at the dogs. Dylan fell in love with a puppy that we couldn't have for so many reasons. He stood there, in the middle of the dog enclosure, crying and hugging me. My only response was to cry with him and stroke his hair. If I could, I'd save them all. Poor little angels. People suck.

We came home and showered our three current canines with hugs and kisses and the promise to take care of them as best we can.

Casey-isms:
"You can tell which room is Dylan's because of the bump-head" (bunk bed)
"Mom, I bless you'd in the hall" (sneezed)
"Hey, wanna play 'sticker, sticker, what's your game?'" (wha??)