love this

made me smile and cry... don't know why.

(and obviously don't know how to post this correctly, but just click the link)

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DzlfKdbWwruY&h=98406629fb681ba32d137413b3201d76

Time for the lovin'!

This is Casey's new thing and I'm eating it up. Out of nowhere, at least once a day, she announces "time for the lovin'!" with arms outstretched and comences kissing me all over my face and hugging with all her might. She uses it to her advantage, like after I've turned out the light, trying to leave her for bedtime. Or when I'm miffed at the sibling bickering. I'll take it. I need that to shake me out of my funk and remember what's important, and sacred, and lovely. To get out of the mean and into the love.

Trying to plan Casey's birthday at Build a Bear. For whatever reason, she calls it Bob the Builder. So if you ask her where she's having her party, it's at Bob the Builder. She has other names she's made up and won't let go of. TJMaxx=mac n cheese. Olive Garden=Blackberries. Build a Bear=Bob the Builder. The list goes on.

I wish they could stay little.

oncologist

So, I saw an oncologist today. I didn't really feel the need, but my surgeon said I should... so I did. I arrived early as requested to do paperwork. My appointment was at 10:00. At 10:45, I'm still waiting. I finally went to the desk, in tears, and asked what was going on. I had conned my parents into watching my kids and knew that I had to get back to relieve them. I know the Dr. has much more sick people to attend to, but something about that place just really got to me. I saw 3 bald women. I didn't feel like I belonged and after sitting in that stupid conference room, I didn't feel like I mattered. I sat in the waiting room again and just cried. The energy in there is sad and draining.

Anyway, I finally met with her. The appointment lasted a whole 30 minutes, rather than the allotted hour and a half. She alluded to the fact that I didn't really need to be there (this is a good thing) and I told her I was just doing as instructed. The point is I'm cured and shouldn't have to go back, yippee!

It's been a really emotional week, in every facet of my life. Pre-menstrual plus pre-surgical is a dangerous combination. Don't fuck with me this week.

I swear I hit every red light on the way home. Every one. I also went to Toys R Us for some promised $3 Barbie. This apparently does not exist. Fine by me, I hate that place and am happy not to give them my money, all $3 of it.

On a good note, one thing on my drive home made me smile. A big ol dog with his head stuck out of the sun roof, love it. I came home to my ever giving parents, a grumpy son and my daughgter on her 3rd jelly sandwich. I also the yummiest lunch. I know I haven't had chicken in like 15 years, but I'm pretty sure this is what it tastes like.

Glad the sun is out, but still wishing my days away until Tuesday. I just can't do much until then.

Krispy Kreme

Uh Oh.



This morning when I was going through the coupons, I came across one for Krispy Kreme. It was gross because it was only good on your second dozen. Um, no thanks. At that moment, little Casey reminded me that she wanted to get some doughnuts from the grocery store and that I said we could for a special treat one day. Apparently, today was that day. We decided Krispy Kreme was worth the drive.



I only bought 6 for the family. Yes, I know Krispy Kreme is not vegan. I have decided all along that a treat once in a while is ok. As I become more strict with my diet, I don't think it will be an option, but today it was. Plus, there are rumors that the original glazed really are vegan. I choose to believe those rumors.



My doughnut wasn't glazed though. I chose the creme filled/chocolate frosted. It was good, but much like my experience with pizza lately, it wasn't that good. If you've paid any attention to my blog, you know that I managed to choke it down anyway. They weren't the freshest and the bottom of the doughnut was kind of dry and left a film on the roof of my mouth. So, what did I do? I did what any sane, healthy, smart woman would do; I bit off the frosting, and licked out the creme inside. There, that's better. Then, I'm a little embarassed to say, I ate another frosted one while I waited for Casey to finish hers.



This whole episode has left me feeling a little sick, literally. I'm not beating myself up for it, I'm over that. With all the reading I've been doing lately, and through my own experiences with a changed diet, I know that you can train your taste buds and I'm hoping for the day when these don't appeal to me at all. This is progress however, because former Beth would have eaten three before feeling remorse and four before feeling sick.

Swift kick in the ....

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I woke up in the wrong bed altogether... Casey's. She was up at 6:15 and I was dead tired and just crawled into her tiny little twin bed and we fell back asleep for a little while. I am depressed. Actually, I've been depressed for days now and can't pinpoint it. Isn't that the worst? When you don't know exactly what is bringing you down? I mean, if I knew what was making me unhappy, I'd be able to work on it, listen to a sappy song about it, deal with it or at least understand it. My knee jerk reaction is to blame the boobs. Angry at something? Must be because I had a mastectomy. Sad? mastectomy. Mopey? Yep, mastectomy. I'm pretty sure that's not it entirely, but maybe just a little, like an overshadowing sad, not overwhelming and in your face.

I came down this morning and cleaned the kitchen, before I even had any coffee. Of course the dishes from last night were in front of the coffee maker, so I'm sure that had something to do with it. I literally can't stand a messy house. My house is far from perfect, but if there's not some semblance of order, I can't continue with anything else. Anyway, I proceeded to put my running clothes on, only to stop at the back door, in tears, deciding I can't do this. I decided instead to take a shower and attempt a do-over at my already crappy day. I was intending for the soap and water to wash off the ugly attitude. It worked for the most part. Since it was FINALLY a nice day, Casey and I walked down to the park which was lovely. Just what she and I both needed.

I'm mad I didn't run and still have plans of running tomorrow. I knew this would happen. That it would become close to surgery date and I'd give up again, knowing I'm going to be starting all over again. I'm so glad I decided on the 10 mile run last week, otherwise I'm confident my running would have already stopped. I'm hoping for the strength to continue through next weekend, even if it's only a few miles. I don't want to deal with this all again. Surgery is in 1 week, 3 days. Kind of feeling numb about it but sadly looking forward to percocet induced sleep.

I'm 1 pound away from my goal weight, so I'll take it. Let's just hope I don't fuck it up in the next week. If today is any indication, I'm in for an uphill battle. Oh well. Corey and the kids plus one neighbor went out for ice cream and I'm enjoying a little solitude. I threatened to make him take them out to dinner too :)

Snowman Stampede

Ran the 10 mile snowman stampede on Saturday. Not my fastest, but very close and for that I am happy. Corey did great, as I knew he would. It was fun to do this together. He was faster, of course. At around mile one he started to pull away and looked back at me for the OK to go ahead. He had talked about us staying together, but I knew I wanted him to see how fast he could go, really. I finished with about a 10:28 average per mile.

Pre-op appointment yesterday. Ready to go!