Thank You... to everyone

for....

-taking care of my kids
-measuring out my medication
-cleaning my house and arranging for professional cleaning
-all the cards
-beautiful flowers
-well wishes and positive thoughts
-camisoles to borrow
-hugs at the bus stop
-meals delivered to my door
-chocolate
-tiny cupcakes
-doing all of the laundry
-lighting candles for my bath
-not complaining about one bit of this
-loving me, physically altered and all
-seeing me through the unbelieveably deep downs
-making me laugh

I feel so loved.

seroma

Well, it looks like I have a seroma, fluid build up from the drain removal. I'm uncomfortable. My arms kind of stick to my ribs up near the pits. Kind of sucks. Not painful, just not comfortable.

I noticed yesterday at my parent's cabin for Thanksgiving, that I just wasn't feeling well. Just bleh. Then I could feel the swelling and of course I started freaking out. I broke down and called my PS on his cell phone. I really hated to bother him, but I suppose it's his job.

So, looks like an uncomfortable weekend for me. I'm going in Monday to see how bad it is and maybe get some drained. I googled seroma and looks like in most cases, the fluid will be re-absorbed on its own. So, I guess not a big deal. Don't know how a fill will feel on top of this. I am so ready to be better.

I'm ready

I am so ready for my life to be about more than my surgery, my recovery, my scars and my emotional state.

I watch people running by outside and want to run too. Sort of. I miss my old routine and although I an EXTREMELY grateful things have gone so well, I'm over it.

I'm trying to work, although not really wanting to. Documents are not converting to my laptop as they should and I really don't feel like sitting in the office. Poor excuse.

I have, or had some great thoughts on my life and how things are going to change. I still do, but don't have the mental energy to carry it out yet. Still waiting to get past this.

food

My house smells like food. I'm not the kind of person who likes for the house to smell like food. Well, brownies or cookies are ok. My incredible mother in law has been staying here for the past week taking care of me, the house, the meals, the kids. She likes to cook. I mean she's one of those people who actually cooks for 3 meals a day. It's so sweet what she's doing, but I'm ready to get back to regular house smell without something always on the stove. Is that weird? I think a lot of people like that stuff. I think my husband is enjoying being fed. I just want clean and clean smelling. There's stuff down there now that needs to be put away, but I'm not allowed to do much. We cleaned the house yesterday, really really well. And now it's back to yuck. The worst is that I can't clean it. I sit up here, unable to do anything. I'm trapped in a food smelling house.

She leaves tomorrow. I don't think words exist to express my gratitude for her and all she's done. It will be nice to try and get back to our own routine though. I'll clean what I can and turn my head to the rest. December 1st, the house will be professionally cleaned. Whoo hoo! I'm hoping after that I'm well enough to keep it up.

That was a rather weird post. Just what's on my mind. Maybe I'll head downstairs to clean, just a little, and light a candle.

Trixie

I have this dog, named Trixie. She's an 8 pound chihuahua mix. We adopted her from the shelter 3 years ago. We always say she is the easiest dog, or maybe she's the easiest dog because she is so small that anything she does is unnoticeable. Anyway, I've been in bed almost non-stop since the surgery. Something sick like 22 hours a day. Ugh. She loves to go back to bed after she's been out in the morning, but now, she's in bed with me all the time. All the time. I love it. I feel like she cares for me. She curls up next to me and it soothes me to pet her as I fall asleep for the tenth time in a day. We joke that she's going to get bed sores and Corey will come in and "turn" her. She is making recovery more pleasant, just by being with me. I love her dearly. I will post a picture when I get connected to my hard drive but for now just imagine an 8 pound light brown furry angel with freckles.

Good stuff

In the midst of all this crap, I feel the need to point out the good, there is so much of it.

1- nurses. Angels if you ask me. It's like many "moms" taking care of you. Nothing phases them, nothing is too much to ask, and they call me honey all the time. Some people don't like being called honey, but in this situation, I do.

2- My husband. He has taken this whole thing head on. I can tell it's a lot for him but he's a trooper. The laundry, the kids, my medication chart, getting me water, etc. I love him. And after him having to take me to pee at the hospital, I promised I wouldn't always do that.

3- My sister for keeping my daughter and little dog during this whole thing.

4- My kids who want to be with me, in this bed, all the time. Even though I'd rather be alone a lot of the time, it means so much that they just want to be near. They're being so careful around me. When I first got home, my son sent me an email right then and there about how much he loves me and changed my wallpaper on my new laptop to a big heart that says I love you.

5- My parents, stepping in to help with the kids and to visit and love me.

6- All of the amazing support from friends and neighbors. I'm over whelmed and words will never express the gratitude I feel.

7- My dogs who won't leave my side.

8-homemade cookies from my sister

9-fruit bouquet and so many, so many incredible flower arrangements. I love flowers.

I could go on and on, but thought I'd start there before I fall asleep again.

It is all going to be ok.

Dogs

I can't believe I've left TRUST as my last post. As if it sets the mood. Was just a day so I decided to write another. We are currently fostering a lovely little lab mix. She is precious and wonderful and a big part of me wishes we could keep her. I am horrified by the thought of how many amazing creatures will not be given her same chance. A chance at a forever home with a loving family. When are people going to stop treating pets as possessions, which can be replaced, lost, given away, and worse. Pets are family. Through thick and thin, good times and bad, and I know for certain that bad times are better and good times are great when you have the love of a dog. There's just nothing like it. I can honestly say to a dog, just about any dog, within seconds of meeting it "I love you". Can't do that with people. I need no other information, no test of trust, no games, just love. Although it's tough to take in a foster, on so many levels, I finally feel like I'm doing something good, no matter how small. In this moment, my actions are in line with my thoughts.