a sad day

So, anyone who knows me knows how much I love animals. I mean love love. I know I'm wired differently, and I'm ok with that. I like animals more than people. Sure, I love my people, but give me a stranger and an animal, it's a toss up. I've seen the evil people are capable of. Animals are not.

Anyway, Friday was especially tragic and was a real live nightmare for me. We hit a deer coming home from my parent's cabin after cutting down our Christmas tree. We were going down the dirt road outside of Larkspur as we had hundreds of times. We usually spot deer on our drive, but this time, both Corey and I turned for a split second to admire a cabin we'd like and when I turned around, there it was. A beautiful young buck, inches from the front of our truck, trying to cross the road. I immediately closed my eyes and curled in the fetal position, not believing what was happening. There was no time for brakes. We hit it. Luckily the kids were looking down messing with their music and felt the bump. They are wired much like me and I fear how that would have affected them had they seen it. Dylan kept saying, "what's wrong with mom?" as I sobbed. We turned the truck around and parked so we could assess the damage, both to the deer and the truck (which I didn't care about).

Corey and I got out of the truck and began walking back down the road. I didn't see the deer and naively hoped he had hopped on, that we didn't hit it that hard. Corey walked back to the truck to get to the kids and I kept walking the side of the road. Then I saw it, lying in the ditch. I crumpled. I kept getting closer, hoping to see it not breathing. But damn, it was breathing. I crept closer as my instinct was to to hug it and pet it and tell it everything is going to be ok. I stopped cause I didn't want to scare the poor thing. He lifted his head and I just stayed there, bent over bawling. Corey motioned me back to the truck. Now what?! We were both distraught. We knew the animal needed to be put down out of it's misery. We figured, this is Larkspur, surely most people around here hunt. And so began our search for someone to humanly end it's life. We ended up at the fire station and called the sheriff from there. She didn't know how long before someone could come out so we stopped at the gas station. Luckily, we found a hunter. Corey pleaded with him to go back and put the poor deer out of his misery. He agreed and we felt better, just a little.

We ended up going back to meet the deputy at the scene. I stayed in the truck while Corey and the officer went up to the deer. He had expired on his own in those 30 minutes. Corey knelt down next to the deer, pet it and told him he was sorry. He wondered if the officer had ever seen someone apologize to a deer.

The rest of the day was pretty dismal. Corey was surprised how hard it was on him. I know that being with me for 12 years has a lot to do with that. My son drew me a picture, both my kids knew how hard I was taking this. The picture was the truck, Corey and the deer with Corey saying "I'm sorry" and the deer says "It's ok". I hugged him tight and said "you really get me, don't you." He said yes, and he does. I love that boy. He was worried about telling his friend Hadley. He said she'll probably be as upset as me. Hadley loves animals like I do and I wish she were mine. Casey made me a princess flag by taping a picture she drew to a marker. I'm glad she didn't fully understand what happened.

The officer said that if the hunter showed up, he could have the meat and if not, it would be processed and given to the shelter. At least there is some use of a tragedy.

I'm sorry sweet deer. Rest in peace.

A year and a day

I meant to post yesterday, like it was some big milestone and I'd have something rather prolific to say, but the day got away from me and it turned out to be a day just like any other.

So, it's been a year. A year since they took my breasts. It's been one hell of a year and I've gone from utterly devestated to giddingly thankful only to land somewhere in between. I think there's a touch of bitterness left but otherwise still good. I miss my breasts but I don't pine for them. I still don't have nips so I guess even after a year I am not complete. Nips are coming in December with tattooing next year. Everyone was right, it does take a year. I was in such denial and had to tell myself that no, for me things would be different. For me, it would only be 3 months at the most, and then I'll have my life back. I've still got some healing to do. More emotionally than physically. I still am not comfortable with my new look. I was never much of an exhibitionist, but I keep my shirt on all the time. Like all the time.

I am happy overall with the size and shape and they've settled in nicely. After my last race, it took a good 2-3 weeks for my rib pain to dissapate, but it has and I am finally back at running at it feels so good. Of course the same 2-3 pounds that keep visiting me are back but I'm working again at shedding them. It's just next to impossible without being able to exercise.

Life in general is good otherwise. I'm plugging away little by little at getting Rocky Mountain Dog Runner up and running and will market more after the holidays. Still collecting un-employment and the search for a job will begin again in January. It's been nice to be able to take a break and breathe. I've been able to get to things around the house that needed to be done and to take my time getting my business up and running. I feel extremely lucky and know it won't last so I'm taking full advantage.

Caseyism for today: "Mom, how did you and dad make me?" Me: "With love" Casey: "So, hugs and kisses.... and a hammer?" Me: "Yep, just like that"