Seems like old times...

I am home today with Dylan. Just me and him and boy is it nice. It has been so long since there has been a day at home, just me and him. It was just us for almost 5 years before Casey came along. We were buddies. I was more diligent with my mom career then, playing lots of creative games with my boy. Balls in the hall, where we'd gather all the balls we had and roll them back and forth down the hall. He was 2. Or the same game with all the cars and trucks. I made sure there was time outside, reading time, learning, little or no television, lots of music, set nap times and healthy meals. Corey worked long hours, and we didn't really have any friends or playgroups, so we made the most of our time together. The days went on forever. In a good way. Lots of time to figure out the best use of our day. Park or pool? Walk or errands? Museum or visit with family? Now that there are 2 of them, and has been that way for over 3 years, we're a lot more fly by the seat of your pants. No rules about what to do when, no set schedules, no boundaries. Well, sometimes it feels that way, but of course there are boundaries. It is hectic, good, but hectic.

Today, Dylan is home sick, but well enough to get off of the couch. So far today, we watched Biggest Loser (something my former mom self would never have allowed), played dinosaurs, went to Wendy's for a frosty and had lunch outside. It's been great and reminds me of years ago, just me and him. I miss it, terribly. I hope he is enjoying it too. This is good stuff.

sick kid

So, last night as Dylan began coughing, I did my usual "Oh, you're ok", with a desperate attempt to make him not sick truthfully because I didn't want to deal with it. Didn't want to deal with a sick kid at home when the other has a playdate, and ballet. I was looking forward to a few hours to catch up while Casey was at her friend's house. As it became more and more apparent that Dylan was sick, for real, I started to remember my job in the first place. To be a mom. I am thankful he's not sick on a day I need to work, but even if he were, my job is to be with him. I get so caught up sometimes in doing all the other things that need to be done, that I forget about being a mom, you know, a good one. I check off lists mentally while fixing dinner or putting the kids to bed when I should just slow down and be with them. I will be there for him today. I will not worry about what needs to get done. I will take care of him the best I can. That is my number one priority, always, and will try not to forget it again.

Waiting

Waiting. for the biopsy results. I feel my life is on pause until the phone rings. Up until the procedure, and really up until today, I have been really positive. Well, not positive really, but I just didn't give it a second thought, didn't care. If you want to call that positive, then do, but maybe it's denial. Either way, couldn't make myself dress for work, so here I am, waiting. It's not even excruciating, that would mean I felt something. This is like a dull numb, like I said with life on pause. I know I will be extremely upset if I waste today. A day with no kids. I should either do something productive, or something fun, but here I sit. Doing nothing. ring-phone- ring. Sad thing is that it may even be tomorrow when I get the call. How am I going to make it through today? OK, off to be productive for a while, then maybe a walk. gotta get going.

Cooking

I don't cook. I can't cook. Is there a difference? Maybe I don't cook because I can't, or can't because I don't. In any case, it's a vicious little cycle. I try to cook, every now and then because, well, because my family is hungry and isn't that in the job description of mom? I made a real effort 2 nights ago. I made shrimp with a sauce and rice and lima beans (from the can, heated in the microwave). I grilled the shrimp, watched the rice carefully so it wouldn't burn and then of course had to throw some chicken nuggets in the oven and a grilled cheese on the stove for my picky eaters. I spent an hour running from the grill to the kitchen trying to pull it all together. I spent another hour washing, let's see 1,2,3,4 pots and pans, loading dishes and putting away used ingredients. It was good, but I just don't get it. Back to fish sticks last night. Much better :)

family music

When I was driving home last night, with just my son in the car, I decided that we, at that very moment needed to hear a little James Taylor, Whenever I See Your Smiling Face. This is a song my husband used to say reminded him of me. Since Dylan was born, the attention has passed to him, which I am happy and proud of. I can remember my husband singing that song to our chubby faced 2-year-old and the song would elicit an even bigger smile. I felt at that moment, we needed to feel that feeling again and I checked the rear view mirror to see if I could get a smile and a hint of remembrance. It's amazing how listening to certain music can instantly bring you back to a memory, can make you feel good from the inside out, make you smile involuntarily, or even cry. It's a good thing. I love to pin lyrics on whatever is happening in my life and make them mesh, like they're singing my tune and putting into words what I can't. So many songs remind me of my family and many times I consciously title them that way. When Dylan was born, Sade's song, I don't even know what it's called, but know all the words, "when you're cold, I'll be there, hold you tight, to me, to me" and so on, held the magic of the incredibly deep love I felt for my baby boy. When my daughter was a baby, we watched Curious George as a family and Jack Johnson's song about being broken down but I'd rather be broke down with you by my side (as you can see, I know lyrics, not titles) . For me, it personified my bond with my daughter and set the stage for our buddiness, if that is even a word. There is of course "our song", for me and Corey. He was away on work, and I watched Prelude to a Kiss. Van Morrison's Someone like You came on and I immediately knew, that was our song. I could go on and on. A few weeks ago, we were all in the backyard, playing ball, swinging on the swingset, BBQing dinner and listening to music. Family Time by Ziggy Marley came on and it so defined the moment. I think every family should have family songs. It bonds and defines and deepens our relationships. Music can produce such intense feelings and it's nice to tie those into family. Of course sitting in the car, in the garage, with all the windows down jamming to Boom Boom Pow and watching my son "get down" in the back seat is great too.

A career in child care

If someone had asked me if I wanted a career in childcare, I would have said they were crazy. But, here I am. 8 years in the business. So far, no horrific injuries, no life altering mistakes... yet. With a major in communications, and experience as a buyer and marketing manager, how did I end up here? I'm a mom. And at one point I decided my children were the most important things in my world. And so I am in childcare. Am I good at it? Well, if love has anything to do with it, then yes, I am phenomenal. I do my best. I love my children and I try, try, try to enrich their lives the best I can. To me, if we can get outside as much as possible, occasionally make a mess, burn cookies, read and color, then I'm doing a good job. I love my job, even if it makes me a little insane.