chocolate and such

Just a quick note to say that things are going well. slow and steady progress, finally! Ran 6 miles Saturday at a decent pace. Not my fastest, but not as slow as I was a few weeks ago so I think I can officially say I'm back within range of where I was. A few more pounds, but really the good news is that I feel better. I feel less "chunky" and I actually saw a muscle in my thigh, which was nice, I've missed them so.

I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred video. Not sure why given that I suck at working out to videos at home. I guess it's cause I'm a bit obsessed with her. I want her rack too, by the way. I plan on trying it tomorrow. Deal is, you're supposed to do it every day. It's only 20 minutes, but that's just not going to happen. Running comes first, then maybe a day or 2 of this. I am happy with how consistent I've been working out. It fits into my life and feels good.

Now for the diet. Hmmm. Calories are good and within my limits (thanks to working out), but what they're comprised of is nothing to be proud of. Being a vegetarian, I watch my protein. That's it, I watch it and notice that it's not enough. I also watch my fat. Watch the fact that it takes up a large percentage of my calories, thanks to the chocolate. The damn chocolate. Well, at least part of the time, it's wrapped around a nutritious almond.

I supppose I could cut down on the chocolate. There is a little treasure chest of chocolates at work. Hershey Nuggets to be exact. Sometimes I just sit there and eat them one after the other. Sometimes I take the wrappers home so no one will see how many I ate. I'm a train wreck. You know, like you're on a TV show to get help and they show you and how absolutely pathetic you are on a secret video they've taken and you're all like "I had no idea I was such a loser". Only I have watched the tape in my head, I don't need a show.

Oh well. I have managed to ration 4 chocolates for the days I work. Maybe I'll cut that down to 3 or even 2 over time. Baby steps...

My husband

I am sitting here going through papers, trying to organize the office and prepare for taxes. I came across a list I made about Corey. Things I love about Corey. I remember writing it, back when we lived in our little bungalow, before kids, at the beginning of our marriage. It has literally 200 or more reasons I love him and things he does that make me love him more. I'll share just a few of them here, because I think it's important to remember things before kids. Before life got so crazy. Before cancer. It's funny, because the way he was then, is still the man he is now, I just don't take the time to tell him anymore. I consider myself very lucky to be so happy in my marriage, and to have proof that he is still the man I married.

Corey...
finds the good
gets me
makes me laugh until I can't breathe
finds the good
brings me coffee in bed
tolerates me
puts me first
fixes me breakfast
plays with the dogs on the floor
relentlessly tries to get me to stop worrying
lets me cry
cries with me
drives me crazy
reaches for things I can't reach even though he bought me a stool
bought me a stool
sent me flowers the Monday after saying the "L" word
sent me cookies to brighten my day
ate the cookies he sent to brighten my day
cried when he proposed
told everyone about it
asked my parents first
won't go to bed without a kiss and makes me come get it.

Oh how I love my husband. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

why do I bother??

Let me just say that I am pretty pissy today. I have been soooo good; staying in my calories, running almost every day, and yet the weight is up, yet again. I just want to cry. Each day I wake up thinking today my weight will reflect my hard work, even just a little. A couple of days ago, my weight was actually down 1/2 a pound. That's all I need to keep me going, just a little ray of hope that what I'm doing will pay off, even slowly. But then yesterday and today, the weight has topped out where I was when I started. Let's hope my period is to blame for some of this poundage. I'm giving it 5 days to even out, then I guess I'll try something new. ARRRGGH! Frustrated does not begin to cover it.

On a good note (like it matters), I ran 5 miles Sunday. My farthest run since I quit running before surgery. It wasn't too bad and I averaged 10:58 per mile. This included a stop to clean up after Fletcher, 2 stoplights, and 2 other dog aversions. So, we're getting there. I think I ran something like 19 miles last week. I ran 2 yesterday at 10:30 pace, so even closer and plan to run 2 more today.

I do think I'll have to walk some of the 10 mile race I signed up for. I read an article about getting back to running after a set back and it suggests not signing up for any races, and if you do, pay no attention to your time and don't compare it to previous races. That's what I plan to do. I know that I can't really expect to be back until after my final surgery.

I'll keep truding along and keep my chin up. I know I'm doing all the right things.

So Corey just said to me "I'm frustrated too, cause my pants don't fit either". Ummm, his are too big. Not fair.

Grrrr

So, I'm doing everything right. I've had 3 days of being really good. Keeping in my calorie limit (no small feat since I'm only allowed 1300 or so) and have run every day since Friday. I logged 3 miles Friday and Saturday, 1.5 trail run Sunday and 3 again yesterday. Today I did a little yoga (man I suck at that) and strength training on the Wii Fit. I plan to run just 2 maybe while Casey is in gym class. Even with all of this, the scale put me up 3 pounds. That bastard. Even Wii fit lady - I need to come up with a name for her - didn't reflect that. I just know one of these days the scale will say "Wow, you lost 4 pounds and are at your goal weight, way to go Beth". Or maybe that's what I'll say when the numbers reflect my work. I am well aware that 3 days is not enough to judge, or to expect results, but when the numbers go up, it's hard not to lose momentum.

I'll just stay the course. When my kids were babies and didn't sleep through the night-we're talking well over a year-I used to chant "just stay the course" in my head, knowing that if I just kept doing what I was doing, they would eventually figure it out, and they did. I'm hoping the same formula works here.

Plus one, minus two

So, the scale finally reflects 2 pounds lost. whew. 4 more to go. I haven't checked in with the Wii fit to get her perspective, but not sure I want to. Just in case she's off. I know, I know, 4 sounds so small compared to someone with larger weight issues (like on the Biggest Loser), but for me it is the difference in my clothes fitting, in my belly bulge, in my confidence.

Ran one mile this morning. I know right now you're thinking, "Wow, Beth a WHOLE mile, just a short EIGHT weeks post surgery, what a superstar". Well, thing was I got up late. It's all I had time for, so I grabbed Fletcher and took off. Since it was only one mile, my pace was very close to my pace pre-life changing ordeal. I feel good. Had a great day yesterday calorie wise and doing ok so far today, minus the ever present chocolates at work-arrrgghhh and yum!

I was sitting there today conversing with my boss and it seems many many times I feel like I have boobs. This fantasy would of course be shattered if I was to touch them in any way, but point is, they don't hurt and don't feel weird. Sleeping still sucks and some reaching, but it's good to know that overall, I can feel normal. They look pretty cute in a shirt too, if you look past the overachieving right side, which is a bit higher.

Looking forward to beer tonight if I can keep my calories in check.

E is in for her final implant surgery today! I get to keep her fabulous daughter after school and can't wait to see E after all of this. She's the superstar.

ugh

OK, I feel the need to post today, just to keep me in line with this weight thing. Stupid Wii Fit bitch says I'm up like 1.5 pounds. I don't doubt it. I have been pretty good but went out with girlfriends last night. I had like 150 calories left and I planned on a glass of wine and maybe a snack (went to a tapas place, so I thought that was doable). I did only have one expensive glass of wine and then proceeded to eat the whole flat bread pizza cause no one else was. I know part of the weight is just the sodium and from eating so late.

I saw my running buddy this morning. She's running the Colorado Marathon again. I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't do it but am extremely happy for her and would love to go to Fort Collins and cheer for her. Maybe I can drag E up there for a girls night and we'll see J run in the morning. After that, I have decided to run the Snowman Stampede 10 mile, not the 5 mile. I'm so sick and tired of performing under par. Screw it, I can do this! Corey ran 3 with Fletcher this morning and came back all glowy and sweaty.

So, let's look at the positives. I got up again this morning and did my Wii Fit. Casey has a gym class this morning and I plan on heading over to the rec center for some elliptical, or maybe just a run near her gym.

I feel like I've got a one track mind and really would like to post about other than my weight, but that's what's over-shadowing me right now.

routine

Ah, how I love routine. Today is back to work and back to school and back to sanity. Although it's always a challenge getting the kids ready for school, me ready for work and a workout, I feel more put together. I literally did not get out of my pajamas until 4pm yesterday when I finally decided I needed to take the dog for a walk.

I got up at 5:50am and hit the treadmill this morning. I only did 2 miles slowly, but it's something. My foobs (saw this description on a breast cancer site and thought it was pretty funny... and accurate) were sore and heavy, more than they were Saturday. I think they're still sore from Saturday. I came up from the basement to find Corey doing yoga on the Wii fit-yea!

I have decided to run a race in February. It's a 5 or 10 miler and I haven't decided which one yet. I'd like to do 10, but just not sure how much my chest can take. It's slow going getting back in shape, but I really need a goal to keep me moving.

This race will help a lot. Corey is signing up with me. I am thrilled that he is getting active again. He is a natural athlete and is good at anything he tries. In the past, I haven't really wanted him to run. That has been my thing. My only thing. The one thing I can do that he doesn't. But now he wants to start. I've decided to put my pride in the back pocket and cheer him on as much as he has me. Who knows, this might be fun for us. We'll never really be able to run together. He's over 6 feet and I measure up at just over 5. He's the before mentioned natural athlete, while I am one who really has to work at it. But, he needs this, just like I do. I think it's amazing what running has done fo rme. I may not be fast, but it sure feels good.

As for my weight battle.... Um... I'm trying. I haven't lost any yet, but did indulge just a little on New Year's. I had a spinach salad for lunch yesterday and a roasted sweet potato for dinner (yum!) This is more vegetables than my body has seen in weeks. I had to make up for the Reese peanut butter tree and other miscellaneous chocolates. Today I got out the Vitamix and made a smoothie with berries, soy milk, splenda, protein powder and flax seeds. I especially love that my daughter took some with her to drink on the way to school. I feel positive about my progress.

2009

Now that 2010 is here, I thought I'd take a moment to think about all of the good things of 2009...

I'm thankful that I am still happily married
My kids are healthy and happy
My first marathon
Going back to work (part time) after an 8 year hiatus. I love my job, it couldn't be more perfect.
My neighbor and friend J, who made me run more than ever and kept me going.
My husband still has a good paying job
My successful surgery and the peace in knowing I've beat cancer before it could touch me.
My parents are still alive and well and active
I'm grateful my sister lives so close and we're able to see her often
My new dog of 2009, Fletcher
Living in Colorado
Our beach trip last summer, Casey's first that she can remember
Camping with kids and friends
All of my friends I've made here; neighbors, playgroup friends
Hooking up with old friends thanks to facebook
Nike Plus which helps me achieve my goals
My beautiful friend E, who has helped me through my surgery and all the physical and emotional pain
The support of family that I haven't talked to in years

I could go on and on. It really is the little things that make a year amazing. I have so much and only wish others had what I do.

I am incredibly ready to start 2010! This year I plan to get back into running after my 2 month surgery break, try trail running and remember to make a big deal out of things, not just skate through them. I wish E, L, Kelly and me the strength to come out of this crap better and stronger than ever. As E says, I'm a badass now. I like that.