Trust

I have trust issues. Always have I suppose. It would be impossible and unimportant to put my finger on why. I'm kind of a "so what" kind of gal when it comes to shit that has happened in your past. Move on. Everyone is dealing with something. Get help if you need it, but don't use it as an excuse.

Anyway, sometimes it's hard being me. I feel a bit insane as I talk myself into believing the best, rather than the worst, which is my knee jerk reaction. Self talk, non-stop, all day. Hoping that what I think is a breach of trust, is just me being crazy. Feeling crazy ain't so hot though.

I once heard, by accident, a preacher on TV. He put things in a way that I had never thought of before. He was talking about faith. Not necessarily religious faith, but belief in anything really. He said that we don't know what is going to happen. You can either doubt, and believe the worst, or trust and have faith, and believe the best. It's a 50/50 shot either way, so why automatically go with the doubt? I love it. Assume the best.

I think a long time ago, I told myself to expect the worst, so it won't hurt so bad when it is actually, the worst. But that way it seems to a double whammy. Sucks when you don't know and sucks when you do. I won't say ignorance is bliss, but trust is.

I will always be a little bit crazy, a little bit neurotic, it's who I am, but trying so hard to just have faith.

Runner Girl

My birthday is this week. My 40th. My husband and I have never been big on extravagant gifts and in fact go many holidays without exchanging. We never seem to have extra money to spend on each other and would rather put those funds elsewhere, but we also don't need materials to know the love is there. The sentiment is there, with or without the gift. For this year however, my husband gave me my gift. It couldn't have been more fitting for my life right now. I am a runner. I feel like an impostor saying that since I'm not fast or overly dedicated. But the fact that I've run a marathon, run 8 half marathons and fit running into my life, every week makes me one. I love the way it makes me feel. I feel strong and fit and like I can do anything. Lately though, running has taken a back seat and I've felt badly about it in lots of ways, but kept rationalizing it.

I am in the middle of planning for a double mastectomy and worrying about the recovery after. Part of me wanted to stop running altogether, at least until the surgery because I figured what's the point? I'm just going to lose anything I've worked to achieve when that day comes. I worry about how long it will be before I can run again and worry about how long it will take me to get it back. I worry I won't have the motivation or the drive.

Then my husband gives me my present. Two stickers for my car. One says 26.2. I wonder if having run only one marathon qualifies me to display this, but my husband assures me it does. The other says Runner Girl. I love it. I needed this to remind me how important this is in my life and not to give up on it. It will motivate me to stay with it. No matter what setbacks I face. Just finished a 6 mile run without a thought of giving up or slowing down.

I am a Runner Girl

My everything

My family is my everything. It sounds like such a cliche, but so universally true. I love my funny, handsome, compassionate husband, who just seems to get me. He gets me and still loves me and isn't afraid to call me out on my small insanities.

My son, my first born is amazing. He's 8 and pushes me away, I think more because he likes to tease me, than that he really doesn't want the love. He knows I will chase him down and tackle him. I am filled with pride at who he is turning out to be... kind, smart, silly, all of that.

Today however is about my daughter. My perfect angelic daughter. I've always said that I didn't know I wanted a girl until I had one. I love that she NEEDS me, and I mean NEEDS me. When she was little, she and I would sleep on the couch together almost every night. She on my chest, me looking out the window at the stars and sleeping. So soundly, so sweetly. I felt that she could hear my heartbeat and that somehow calmed her. It was magical. I have never seen someone so free with her love. So unafraid and uncensored with the "I love you's" So deliberate and honest with her hugs, hand holds, and kisses. As I was laying in bed with her tonight, as I always do, she grabbed my head, pulled it to her neck and said "this is my best friend... ever" She is 3. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt the love. Physically felt it. Sometimes I wonder why I was blessed with such an angel. She is making me a better person. Someone who isn't afraid to say I love you. Someone who isn't afraid to give. I had no idea it could be like this. I count my blessings every day and could not imagine a better family for me. My girl. One piece of perfection.