AZ

Ahhh, mini vacay in Scottsdale. It's lovely down here, especially in contrast to the Seattleish weather Denver has been having. When I waiting for the shuttle bus in Denver, cold and rainy, again. I didn't get in until last night, so I haven't been here in the heat of the day, but it feels tropical even though it's incredibly dry. Warm breeze, sitting in the shade as the sun goes down, drinking oh so many Greyhounds.

Corey is here for work, so this is the cheap couples alternative. Just a plane ticket for me and free hotel and meals through Corey. It's perfect. My parents are with my kids which I have to continually put out of my mind and just assume it's going smoothly. I told Dylan not to pull this bickering crap with my parents cause they're old and can't handle it as beautifully as I do (ha!). He just says "old people are fun!"

I met up with one of my favorite people, KC, last night. She lives here and we used to work together in Charlotte. We were out partying most of the nights we were together in Charlotte. Sundays were big for us. Drinks by the dinky little pool at my apartment, then head on down the road to drink outdoors at our favorite bar where we'd order things like cheese fries. Last night there was no shortage on drinks, but chips and salsa replaced the cheese fries and somewhat mature conversations emerged. You know, kids, fitness, husbands, etc. KC just turned 40 and I have to say she is the hottest 40 year old I know. She looks amazing, probably better than when we hung out at 20 something. I'll have to post a picture. We tried to get Corey to take one last night, but it was a joke. Couldn't get it quite right. Going to try and meet up with her again and see her house and meet her little girls.

Anyway, I'm babbling in my little hung over stupor. Looking forward to some kid free time with Corey and a more subdued evening. Then it's back to Denver tomorrow morning. Short, but sweet and believe it or not, I do miss those kids already. Sad, I know.

giddy

I feel really happy in the first time in sooo long. I would even venture to say I feel giddy. It's great because just like the sadness, I can't really pinpoint why, I just am. I had a perfect Mother's Day. My sister and her three kids came and spent the night with us on Saturday. Sunday morning, we both got to sleep in while my husband got up with the 5 kids and made us toast and fruit. Actually, it turns out the kids watched Scooby Doo while he made the breakfast, but hey, it was their idea, so that counts, right?

I bought myself flowers on Friday. I think I should always have fresh flowers in my house, what a difference it makes. Anyway, there wasn't anything particularly outstanding about yesterday, but just some great family time outside. I am very grateful and happy to be a mama.

I watched The Blind Side with my sister on Saturday night. Wow, what a great movie. I love the woman Sandra Bullock played. She doesn't take any shit and does the right thing, no matter the consequences. Shouldn't we all be a little more like that? Corey told me he wanted to adopt a black baby after seeing it. He doesn't know he really shouldn't mention things to me like that, cause I just might run with it.

I got a disastrous haircut on Saturday. I have been through more stylists than I can count. I have crazy curly/straight/coarse/unruly hair so when I find someone I like, I stick with them, well, until they screw up. I haven't had my hair highlighted in over a year because the last time I went, they gave me ASH BLONDE highlights, like all over. My hair is so dark it's almost black. Ash blonde is not a good match. I looked about 70 years old when I left and took myself promptly to the grocery store for a bottle of plain old brown to cover the mess.

Sooo, I signed up for highlights again, this time with a girl who has cut my hair 2-3 times, and I've been really happy. She asked me to be her "model" since she was trying to get on at a new salon and would cut me a deal in doing so.

We talked caramel color highlights. Long story short, she took the towel off and low and behold, we've got ash blonde. I hated to be a pain but asked her to tone it again. This time it came out better, but not great. It's very flat and dull. My hair looks like it's been through a dust storm. THEN, I ask for her to trim me up some bangs. She promptly cuts straight across ABOVE my eyebrows. I have Katy Perry bangs and seeing as I'm not some 20 something cool rocker chick, I look like a dork. They'll grow, no harm done, but to top it off, there was no discount. What?? After all that and 4 hours later, you're going to charge me $110? I didn't leave her a tip. I didn't mean not to, seriously, but I think I was so shocked at the cost, that I subconsciously didn't. I can't ever go back and my quest for a hairstylist continues.

Oh well, nothing is going to get in the way of my giddyness.

can't sleep....

Feeling unappreciated. As we're going to bed tonight, Corey checks and sees that the dogs have no water. He then begins to scold me. Of course I know it's important, those furry things are children to me, but somehow it gets overlooked from time to time. I tell him that he lives here too and he goes on to tell me how he's only here 2 hours a day, and that I'm basically here all the time. I'm pissed because I do E V E R Y T H I N G around here, or so it seems. Sure, Corey goes through spurts where he's super helpful, but it's not consistent. He took up the laundry duties after my first surgery, but that has really dropped off and he'd end up trying to do it all in one day and we'd have varying degress of laundry doneness hanging around and since I am the "putter awayer", that wasn't working out for me. I have since taken back that duty.

I know he works hard and long hours and he's tired but I don't forget to tell him how much we appreciate it. We lay in bed tonight and I tried to explain where I was coming from, that I was feeling unappreciated and could use just a little more help around here. He simply says "we do appreicate you". I didn't feel I'd made my point, so I rattle off everything I do;

pay the bills, check homework, pack lunches, take Casey to school because she sleeps too late for Corey to take her, pick Casey up from school because Corey works too late, clean the kitchen about 100 times a day, plan the meals, cook the meals, clean up from the meals, make the coffee every night for the next day, clean the house, clean the toilets (I'm pretty sure Corey has never cleaned a toilet in his adult life), change the air filter, feed the dogs or make sure Dylan does it, keep track of every piece of paper the kids bring home from school, take care of every piece of mail, plan vacations, send birthday/mothers day/fathers day cards, run all the errands, grocery shop, doctor appointments, dental appointments, keep our calendar straight, sign the kids up for classes, put the kids to bed, clean up the yard (this one Corey does quite often), walk the dogs, work three days a week, and the list continues.

He just listened and even inserted a job here and there as I rattled away. But what I was looking for was a realization, a real apology and a promise to do just a little. I don't expect much. As a part time stay at home mom and control freak, I happily assume most responsibility. But what would be nice is getting your beer bottle and popcorn bowl to the kitchen at the end of the night, not leaving your clothes in a heap on the floor for the laundry fairy to find and take care of, putting the kids to bed now and then. But no, he was done and promptly fell asleep, so that leaves me here, too agitated to sleep.

I know it's the same story us moms have been dealing with forever and sounds so cliche, but damn it, it's true. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow we'll have a new spurt of extreme helpfulness. Let's hope so.

Here comes the sun...

Finally. I feel better. I've been wallowing in some sort of depression for what feels like months. I felt like my life was a constant scramble up loose rocks to stay happy, or even to feel the absence of sadness. It wasn't a crying sad, just a cloud.

Work had been really slow, running was non-existent, the clouds literally covered the sun for weeks, etc. etc. I worked every day to keep the sadness from getting the best of me. Again, I'd like to blame the whole breast cancer thing, because at least that I can understand.

Since then, work has picked up, I've started running again, and it looks like Spring is finally here. It's still good days/bad days, but the good days are better and the bad aren't so low.

Boobs are fine. Still seem a bit big, but I'll get used to it. My PS smiled when he saw me and said that they looked good. I really think he meant it, I could see it in his face. They still feel completely foreign. I'm numb up to where my necklace hits, although, when I was at the PS last, I scratched somewhere in between the two, and felt something. I was really excited and so was the PA. Nipples will be in August, after the summer. This way I won't have the shields on with my swimsuit, or worry about swimming at all.

The rest of life is moving along at lightning speed. School is almost out for the summer (lord help me) and I'm gearing up for trips planned. Running is ok. Only up to about 2 miles. The boobs seem really tight when I'm running, but not painful, so I'll keep trudging along.

This all sounds pretty boring, but I'm just glad to be coming out of the fog.